Where do I start

Where do I start is the right name for this post.Well Steve finally admitted at the end of July that he has been talking to another women named Dina in Tennessee since last August that makes it a year.When i ask him why he said "I don't know" wow what a cop out. Then he said "even your own kids say that you have mistreated me for over the last 20 years". I said if you felt this way for 20 years, why haven't you said anything to me? How do you expect me to change something I am doing wrong if I don't know I am doing wrong? He just said well you have not been a good person or wife ever. I really am hurt, I trusted him with my soul. I tried for 4 years to tell him that my being 14 years older than him would really show when we reached this stage of life, but he assured me that he understood and loved me and it would never change how he felt about me and us. I thought he was a honest, ethical man and I could trust him with my heart,soul, emotions and mental wellness and married him. What a fool I am. I should have trusted my instincts and never married him.
He said talking about us to a complete stranger is OK and that spending all his time on the phone and in the second life computer area with her is not cheating in a marriage. I feel it is cheating and adultery. So I guess it is all my fault as he so plainly said that our marriage is gone. I believe in the vows I made and feel a marriage is all about being true to the partner I made these vows before God with.I love him with all my heart and soul, but I will not stay here and suffer being insulted and cheated on right to my face and told I am to blame for what he decides and does.
I have gone through all the phases of grief over this. At first I was hurt, then angry, then just plain pissed off,then devastated, now I am resigned to my loss. I know that it is not my problem it is his, but it still hurts and is hard to understand. If he can not even tell me why he feels the way he does, then I can only believe he is using me as a excuse to justify his own short comings and wrong doings. I think he has finally drove me crazy and I need to go some where and untangle my mind.
There is really not much left to hold on to. I am sure no one will wonder where I have gone to if I just leave. My youngest son said you should get at least half of everything he should be the one to leave and find somewhere else to live and he should pay alimony to you for the rest of your life. How little he knows his Mom. I have never taken anything from anyone who wanted nothing to do with me. I know how it feels now to be near someone who only wants me gone. I have always worked and given Steve everything he wanted. Maybe if I could get a job and keep his house spotless as I have always done before, he might still want to be my husband. I can only say that since I moved to Texas and my health has gone down hill to the point I now receive SSDI which is a lot less than the income I made Steve has drawn away from me. I stayed true to my vows and never mentioned when Steve's illness made sex a none part of our relationship (at least this is why he says he no longer wants sex). So why when I can no longer clean our house and work is it so hard for him to continue to love me?????????
Hell why do I even ask. I know that I am responsible for my own happiness. I am going to see that his car is paid off only $800.00 to go on that so 4 more months. Then his loan of $1000.00 just 10 months for that unless I can double up on it after the car is paid for. I will also be trying to put money away to buy me a small RV that I can live in if I have to. Then I will make him happy again( I will leave). I will not divorce him that will be his decision and he will have to file it. I refuse to sign that paper as I said til death do us part. I believe in Eternal marriage and I so wanted to be sealed in the Temple. Ain't gonna happen, I don't believe he knows God is real or even has any faith at all. Maybe it just wasn't meant for me to have this or I haven't done what God expects of me. Either way I will continue to believe the Church has the true keys to the priesthood and the Church is TRUE. I can only cry,pray and read my scriptures as that is really all that I have left in this life.
So to answer the Where do I start question. I start right here where I was on the day I was born. Alone with nothing and I will go on with just faith and existing barely, until I am called to my true Home. Time here is just a learning experience and I have much to learn so I will struggle on and try to learn what I am meant to.
So now I will post this and say for any who read it Life is just life and you are only responsible for yourself and your own actions in the long run. So live as if today is the last day of your life and know you will be explaining to God why you do what you do tonight.
Peace and Love to you all