Saving grace

I think of PLM as my Saving Grace. I sit by the phone waiting for God to send my callin, I don't even think God can save me. I know that PLM can stop bullets it has two times so far. I read how the folks on here deal with the adversities of life not just MS and wonder. When do you get to tired to deal? Been dealing for so long. Born alone we die alone, have nothin but sex,drugs, and rock'n'roll and one more trip around the sun. Another year older and my work ain't done got to write my last chapter. Just trying to figure out what is hear after. I guess it is just deal the cards and roll the dice.

Seems the above is where I find my self more and more. I try to have hope seems I am losing faith. I no longer have friends to be there and I don't really care. I am the one everyone comes to to fix everything, love, heartache, grief, jobs, politics at work , family disputes, what to do for whatever. If they only knew I can't even fix myself. I talk to an unseen Angel and Lord help that Angel I am his lost soul case. I want to help all and I know what a fraud I am.

I am not depressed today just being honest with the world that may or may not care. I have always been honest with myself. I know my flaws and strengths. That is the sad part I have no secrets. i have no hidden agenda or ultra motive. I hate life but love liven and do not ever want to die. i want to see the end of the world and go to the next level to see what happens. Hell I question God every hour of every day. If he has the power why give it to people like me.

I put this Blog up here to simply show that the raw side of life can be affected by something so simple as a post on PLM that a lurker sees. I post my blogs as Angelsfairytell on Blogger.com and at wordpress.com I have no readers but I blog to hear the thoughts that I cannot articulate in my world as someone would have me committed if they heard them.

Please know I do depend on PLM more than I should but it is a resource that has kept me from blowing my head off more than once. It has helped me fight MS, depression, and all the shit that comes with them. I spend to much time now days wishing i was in country and never returned to civilized world in the late 60's or early 70's. I hate what people have done to America being so scared to voice their opinion about the political correctness crap etc. Hell speak English, be American and let the rest just be history. Come legally and work hard don't ask for handouts from the government.If you worked here then receive the help available but don't move granny here and demand SS for her she isn't our problem she is yours. BE RESPONSIBLE for yourself, your family then donate what you can to others. That is the American way.

Shit I need a drink or drugs or something now. I haven't had a drink or drugs since 1972 but i am seriously thinking of starting up old habits. I didn't hurt and I didn't give a damn if I did then. Now all I do is hurt, emotionally, mentally and of course physically. I love livin but I want to live without this shit in my head.

I don't even think God can save me. Angel

Hot Day in Texas

Well another 100+ day here. I hate this weather I think I just hate it because I cannot get out of my house I used to love summer. I loved living near the ocean having friends to talk to and walk along the beach's or go to the bars and people watch.
On the other hand I am reading the Twilight books and loving them. I only buy one a month or I would never do anything but read. I love sci-fi, history, police drama and just about anything that makes me think out of the box. I really have not defined the edges of my box. I watch CSI, NCIS, etc on TV so you kind of get me labeled as a cop show type. But I LURVE ELLEN, so guess my box is kind of diverse. I would love to work for the CIA and be able to use my talent of gathering obscure info and putting it all together to get answers. I have done this my entire life. Most people who know me have thought I was physic. I would just call it a mentalist type of gift. I do work to strengthen my talent and get some awesome results when I actually get a vision type flash. My grandmother and an Uncle had a 6th sense and I have it also. We can actually see things happening before it happens this is a good thing and it is a bad thing. I try not to let people know I have this gift as I can not control when or if I will get a picture of something. I have a problem telling people something that is going to happen to them good or bad. I think life should be a grand adventure and adventures hold unknowns.
Speaking of adventures I Want One. I want to find a place close to the Pacific Ocean that I can afford to live, so I can enjoy the last of my life watching the majestic waves and storms roll in. I would love to live in a small community close to San Diego with a view of the ocean. Ain't going to happen but I can dream. Hell, all I can do is dream, but I fear I am failing in my daily life. I have found this blog is a lifeline to my sanity.Of course, some say I lost that fight long ago.I kind of agree, because my life has had its crazy side.
I have so many cats who live in my life, they really do have strong personalities an rule me versus me ruling them. I am glad I have them as they and this computer are my life now. Oh yeah, I have Jasper who brays to me each morning from a neighbors field. Jasper is a jackass and he knows his place in the universe. He seems happen to entertain me and roll in the dirt then munch the rest of the day away in the shade of the one tree in his field. Satisfaction with ones circumstances is what we all want ,but can't seem to get no matter what our circumstances are. Boy I am waxing philosophical today. Oh to really be so grand a master of thought and word. Well that is all of my genius I have to impart for now. Hope at the least anyone who stumbles across this had a nice break in their day and enjoyed my story.

Babysitting the world

Well here I sit Babysitting the World. It's hot in Texas as is the normal case in July. I did hear from my 3 boys this weekend and enjoyed that. Funny how you can't wait for them to grow up and adventure out into the world then miss them so. I spent some quality time on the Patients Like Me(PLM) site tonight. Some really neat folks converse on there. It is better than family, they don't judge you and really encourage you when you need it. I am in a kind of funny mood tonite, not happy not sad just silly. Nearly everything I see or read tickles my funny bone. Guess I spend to much time watching my tweets,facebook and myspace, where it is mostly doom and gloom. Maybe I should follow happier sites, you think. I do follow a lot of news groups and a few friends so it's not to bad.
I am still trying to get up the courage to write a Children's book. I have it written in my head, however I am a storyteller not a writer. I am sure I would need a good editor. LOL
I have this same blog name on word-press.com and wonder if I can tie them together so I can post them with one writing? If my genius son the IT manager would leave the cool weather of Chicago and visit maybe he could show me. I can really complicate my life when I want too.
I still have some problems with the marriage stuff, but I am trying to forgive the lies and betrayals. I even went so far as to contact his friend to see what Nebraska was like. He seems so discontented with his job here at this time. Maybe he will try the same career in a different state again. Or maybe he just wants a divorce and is trying to get me to leave him so he can save face. I talked to my Bishop and have prayed about it so much. I have decided that he will be the one to leave or change. I did nothing wrong and love him dearly. I know that my having MS is a serious drain on this marriage. I also know that he had a surgery years ago that ended the marriage bed part and I learned to live with that, so why can't he live with my disabilities?
Yuck this post turned into Whine and Cheese. I refuse to go there. but speaking of food.
I bought some tube type green teas and love them. I just shake them up in a bottle of cold water and they are so good. I have always hated the gritty, nasty taste of instant tea, but these taste fresh brewed. I buy the Lipton brand and really drink to much of them, but they are so good. I plan on finding them in my grocery and buying all the flavors that sound good. They really made my road trip convenient.
Well that is all for now. I guess I really had very little to say tonight.