I never learn,

Well what a shock. He comes out of his hiding place"Hugs me and says I love you". I guess he thought that is it now everything is over nothing left to do but carry on. I told him I love you too, but you have hurt me so badly I don't know how to try and work this out to recover our marriage. I never thought I would be the wife who stands by a husband who publicly humiliated her and violated every marriage vow. How and where do I find the strength to stay and make a life out of Chaos? I have always been the one to do without, never ask for anything and try to not be a bother, guess I always feared that if I ask to have my needs( emotional and physical) met no one would think I deserved it. I still wear underwear I bought 9 years ago, before I spent my lawsuit settlement on a house he wanted. But he gets new underclothes, jeans ,and shirts when ever he wants them. I did buy two pair of knee length shorts at Sam's Club this year for $8.00, so I have some that are not torn up to wear in public. He gave me some of his PJ bottoms he bought that are to short,to wear, as mine are all worn out and my gowns are to small for me and I use them for tops. SO I guess I did get clothes to wear I should be grateful for his thoughtfulness and how well he provides for my needs and wants. He never buys me cards,gifts, or writes me letters come to think of it he has never taken me out not even before we married. He has never saved up for a short vacation unless Bobby's paying for us to visit counts. Or me driving him somewhere to fish or visit his friends while I sit in the car for hours.
I was fooled by his act and truly believed him when he said he was not going to go back into 2nd life again. Stupid stupid me. Then truth slowly came out she blocked him from her area, sent him a very emotional and hurt e-mail before his I love you" act" then sent one that said good-bye. He had a special e-mail account for his rendezvous with her ie: so he could set up 2nd life account number 2 after getting into a mess on account number 1. Then when I ask could I read or see some of her e-mails he came unwound "NO NO NOT NOW LET ME THINK NOT NOW NO NO" while wildly pacing around the room looking as if he had been caught doing something wrong and didn't know just how to hide it. Guess he was saving them for later so he could savor his conquest and pictures of her the women he wants. He claims he went in and deleted the account on g-mail and didn't want me to see one from a 65 year old lady who offered him a place to build MC's in 2nd life,now that DINA has blocked him, as she calls everyone love. What a crock of shit. He is still lying, denying and hiding things he is doing wrong. Like I told him from the start if you have to hide it you already know what you are doing is wrong. He of course did tell me he should have talked to me as he was unhappy. He said he was frustrated with my MS( new excuse) m aynd having to fight to get a diagnosis and implied that I should have still been able to keep his house clean,cook, make sure the bills were paid and he had money for what he needed and wanted. I just flat told him "I don't buy into it is all my fault", I tried to include him in the process of my illness and what it would be like to live with it or with me. I tried to get him involved in a family counseling type thing through MSSA or go on retreats,some free some maybe $40.00 for a weekend everything included. He always said he was not interested, I searched the internet for as much information as I could . He never bothered to leave 2nd life and DINA long enough to try and learn anything about MS. SO he claims I shut him out and told him I didn't need his help. Wonder why???? Guess maybe I thought after being told I am not interested often enough he wasn't interested and wanted to be left alone about it.
I told him before he left for work "I FORGIVE YOU" that doesn't mean all is well and I will continue to be mistreated it simply means I refuse to take responsibility for the decisions he has made. I will never trust him again in this life, I realize he was much to good at lying, hiding and denying this mess for a year for this to be the first time he has lied to me. My guess is this is just the first time he has been caught. He not only destroyed our relationship, his lies have made it impossible for me to ever speak or see his mother or sister again, he caused a rift in the relationship I had with my three sons and if he finally leaves me or forces me to be moved out I will lose the joy of watching Eric's twins grow up and I love those little girls as if they were my own.
Today is a day of beginnings Corbin ,Bob's son, started 4th grade and I am starting over with nothing again.
Nothing seems to be all I have ever had, I have even been homeless and lived in a van and had more than I have today. Then I had hope,confidence,health and the ability to trust other people. I have lost everything thanks to my decision to marry him. So in many ways he is right. It is all my fault,, I chose to marry him. I made sacred vows I meant and still mean to keep. Oh yeah he informed me he will never believe in the Morman Church. I ask him what faith he did believe he said he believe there is 1 god but he believes in and he described "witchcraft" but said it isn't witchcraft. I do believe there are Demons on this earth and I also believe that there are Angel's and a Prophet on this earth. So I see there will be a great problem in the religious area. My dream of being sealed as an eternal family in the Temple was dashed on the rocks just like my trust and faith in him. I ask him to think about just what he wants and what the steps to work this out are on his way home from work and to talk to me tonight.
I remembered a letter his father wrote him in 1974. I think when he and Diana were having problems and that Ken wrote he knew Steve was in need of prayer because of his lifestyle and problems. So I found it in my papers and placed it on his keyboard in his hidey hole for him to read and think about. He should be glad his Dad did not live to see him now. I don't know what Ken would think of Steve now. At Ken's funeral many people spoke of the fact that he was so honorable and trust worthy, and how he lived his faith not just spoke the words on Sunday but lived it everyday. Steve is nothing like his father. Kind of makes me think Steve's mother Jean, is not all the crap she would like people to think and Steve is like her. After Ken died she quite going to church unless it benefited her in some way. She has a holier than thou attitude but I just thought it was for her own benefit so she could think she was someone she wasn't. I really like his Grandmother, she was honest about the things she did to get by after Jeans dad left her. She even slept with and old uncle and stole money to buy Jean fancy clothes and Gladey was not proud of what she did, just honest about it. In later life she began to go to Church and repented and lived a very good life I hope to see her in Heaven someday and be able to say how I loved her in-spite of Jean and Steve. Denial seems to be Jean and Steve's way of life. Me I am what you see. I am not perfect, I will tell you what I think and I will tell you I am wrong probably more often than right. I try to live in a righteous way and not harm or hurt anyone and sometimes I succeed. I ask for nothing from anyone and I will never ever ask for anything from Steve again. I will chose death before I depend on him for anything again. I will try to make this farce of a marriage work in-spite of how much I have been hurt simply because, I made vows before God. I am responsible for them and must keep them, no matter how unhappy and hurt it makes me. I know that I am human and I can not fix my life, but God can fix humans no matter how broken we are. SO I guess that is my strength to keep on living and trying to honor my vows.